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Monday, January 5th, 2004
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well, it's been awhile since i've popped in here.
i haven't gotten back home yet, but i'm looking forward to what you sent me, Noah.
countdown to my mindless drivel: 3...2...1
i've been thinking quite a bit during this winter break... about this past semester, my life, and the gurgling sludge of FUCK within it. what i forecast for this upcoming semester doesn't look too good...
i'm determined to take a completely refreshed view towards school and business. at the same time, i think my mental capacity to sustain happiness, joy, energy, 'communicativeness' etc. will dwindle to the way i used to be once before... just depressed, withdrawn, just... pitifully plastic on the outside and frothy mush inside. really, all i'd want is to be left alone. let me be. that was probably easy in high school, but what of it now. i don't think i could handle any more drama. i mean... everyone from my boyfriend to my friends at SC would never quit until i'm back to normal again. i guess i am thankful for that... heh, i suppose i actually enjoy the fact that they're never slow to criticize and point out when i'm acting differently.
oh fuck me, i hope this isn't some spiral. my life, that is. just a loop that goes from depression to happiness to confusion to failure to depression. damn you, loop.
i hate not being in control of myself. and it does feel terribly hopeless when all your mental faculties have seemed to escape and.... eh, well... just hopeless.
i hate it more that i'm typical. a by-product.
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Monday, September 22nd, 2003
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patrick: "hey fuck you"
andrey: "fuck you, you can't say fuck you to me, it's my birthday"
patrick: "fuck you, it's not your birthday" :to karen: "is it his birthday?"
karen: "yes"
patrick: "happy birthday"
andrey: "fuck you and thank you"
we're like goddamn sailors.
anyway... twas my b-day yesterday and it's andrey's b-day today. hooray for both.
i must say that yesterday was a pretty exceptional birthday. it started out GREAT. at 12 a.m. andrey said happy birthday to me after a LONG day and already forgetting that the next day was my b-day. YAY for meeee... then i went to sleepytime... sleepytime was good. i woke up the next morning (brunchtime-ish) from the ringing of my cell fone :cue ringtone of uncle fucker: and to my great surprise it was NOAH!!! YAYY!!! he called me long distance to say happy b-day.. awhhh... and while he was doing tons of homework, tooo... LOVE YOU NOAH! and then angela proclaims happy birthday to me all day... and my sister calls me to tell me she's getting me pajamas for my b-day. good stuff, good stuff. and i talk to nic and dennis who join my happiness, and we help each other prove that our mutual colleague did in fact get busted by the FBI recently for credit card fraud. funny funny.
one thing i'm glad i didn't get was a half-assed "happy birthday." those make me wanna kill people. you know... kinda like how "happy be-lated birthday" is. those are cheap. i usually don't like my birth day, in general... it's my crazy life magnified and made sordid two times worse. this time was good. but man, if it's not good... it's cuz a buncha idiots are running around saying happy b-day cuz they heard someone else that told me happy birthday who actually forgot, but heard someone else say it, but then that person was only coincidentally telling me "go karen, it's your birthday, and don't give a fuck cuz it's your birthday" cuz i'm apparently tha shit. plus saying "happy birthday" sounds so.. the opposite of expressing good will. it's half-assed. from now on, people have to make up something other than "happy birthday" to say to me. like "have some fun today, awright?" or "yyyyayyy for my karen!!" taken from angela. or even "you're one day closer to death... so get really drunk today!"
birthdays really can be painful...
yay for my parents who celebrated my birthday early cuz they left for Asia! my mom rocks cuz she got me a huge fruit tart, saying happy birthday karen on a strip of plastic over it (to not disturb the glazed fruit... smart smart). that was definitely the best fruit tart ever... jesus.
and andrey's b-day is today... yay for him!
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Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
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finally i have internet! my screen looks better riddled with IM windows then... well, i can't say it's better than my wallpaper cuz brooke burns is one hot piece. anywho...
classes suck. i don't have any remotely interesting classes. shit's disappointing!
the house is... ok. if only my landlords would do their job and finish up the remodeling, cuz i'm REALLY tired of living out of my goddamn suitcase.
roommates... are awright. some cool... some just okay. it's almost like having 5 stinky, constantly eating brothers. and the girls can sometimes be like evil stepsisters that like to boss everyone in the house around. and then maybe me and another kid are the black sheep who retire to our rooms while family feuds ensue. all in all... my roommate situation is pretty good.
employment is futile. i don't even know if i wanna get a job this semester. too much studying to do... but alas, the jobs i've applied to are ones i actually want. i'm almost afraid that i'll get hired. stress sucks... maybe i'll do this job thing next semester. oh but working in an investment firm as a cold-caller for the largest financial corp would be so egggggcellent... or even something even simpler like office shit at the Law School. just working there would give me access to all 3,000 employers... and and... just opportunity within my fingertips. ah... i hope they don't hire me. or do i. you know.. this shouldn't matter to me right now, anyway. i have these fuck-u-up-ur-ass classes to get through.
my boyfriend is, as always, supportive. i hope i can return that 10-fold. lest i'm not too consumed with myself... god, i've gotta stop that.
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Thursday, August 14th, 2003
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i think i feel much differently from others about this going back to school thing.
packing. packing is making me happy... i'm enjoying this experience thoroughly. and i consider every object either being thrown away or coming with me. never look back. saying farewell-for-now to friends. not a problem for me. why? i dunno... i guess i don't attach so easily to friends. i'm not cold-hearted or anything... i guess this way of thinking latched on from many years of experience. sleeping. now that's hard... it's hard to fall asleep when the anxiety level is thru the roof. although i don't have to travel as far to school as many have to, i might as well be. never look back. things were revealed to me today that came as... well, a surprise. i wasn't shocked... but disappointed. i don't think i want to use the term "surprise" but rather... the news altered and reaffirmed my perspective of things. but probably the most important thing it taught me was... i love my mom. she's the best... and today i realized how much i'm like her. not just that i'm like a spitting image of my mom when she was my age, but our personalities have many similarities. although i get my sense of humor and propensity to be confrontational from my dad, all the better stuff's from my mom. i always complain that i inherited all the bad genes from the both of them... but i guess thinking about it now... i guess it's not COMPLETELY true. heh. my mom's the coolest!
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Tuesday, August 12th, 2003
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| Time: | 12:00 pm. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. |
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was talking to rachelily yesterday for quite a while.
what'd we talk about...
ah... catching up on each other. chatting about sex. discussing my sexuality. discussing hers. discussing each other's likes and dislikes. our futures.
and then we fell into conversation that strung together one aspect of myself to another. first, my past. second, my relationships. third, how i don't seem to relate well to my female friends and how i have an even harder time *making* female friends. although i did point out that i was at ease talking with her... but perhaps it's cuz she's a lesbian? i don't know. then we talked about how i befriend people in the first place. well, i explained that i can already tell how a person is like from observing them... the way they talk, look, etc. they say don't judge a book by its cover... well i can't help it... and it works for me. i guess rachelily's into spiritual stuff.... i mean she does have an online store called the Zodiac store. anyway, she pointed out that i have a sort of psychic ability. of course i shrug... cuz i'm not into horoscopes etc. and have no interest in making a trip to indida like alanis morrissette or madonna to find myself. but my mom's read my palm before and told me that i have a psychic/intuitive line... so yay for me. and my mom's really good at reading people's faces. although some i've told think it's bull shit... well... oke, but the whole system makes sense to me. so yeah, i read her face. was right about everything... cool. didn't know her that well to tell, either. it's cool when you can point out all these negative things in another person's life and they won't get mad at you but be excited instead. hah. well that talk helped. :nod:...
andrey's flight leaves today for l.a.
i hope he's not too bored stayin with celso... which reminds me, i owe celso a favor for being so nice.
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Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
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stay clear of karen today...
for everything that annoys me on a daily basis
now appears somehow MAGNIFIED x100
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Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
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it's ironic that i was listening to "crash" by the primitives, while writing my last post.
"(slow down) you're gonna crash."
i think i already crashed.
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...but it's a slow process.
still trying to fly through the days.
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``
i'm a little girl, i'm just a little girl
unspeakable demons, unspeakable things
i got trapped in your sick twisted white world
who'd pay attention
to the cries of a little girl
no exorcism could have let me go
you're the devil in an angel's coat
how could you do that
how could you do that
how could you do that to me
how could you do that to me
how do you sleep at night
how do you sleep at night
i haven't slept a night since i was twelve
i'm twenty five and still stuck in your hell
i'd like to bash you head right through a wall
i'd like to walk you blind and make you fall
no exorcism could have let me go
you're the devil in an angel's coat
how could you do that
how could you do that
how could you do that to me
how could you do that to me
how could you do that
how could you do that
how could you do that to me
how could you do that to me
how could you, how could you
how could you do that to me
how could you, how could you
how could you do that to me
that table was a coffin
for which screams my name
i wonder of others
to which you've done the same
``
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one of my roommates has been able to take pictures of the house that me and 7 other roomies are gonna eat, sleep, and (when angela's isn't around) drink in. i'd have to say... it seems like it's gonna come along pretty nicely. my landlords totally gutted the house and put new shit into it... pretty cool. they'll still work on the house while we're living there, since nothing's been done to the outside of the house yet... but i must say, it's gonna be pretty sweet. two bedrooms in the house, though, i definitely do not wanna live in... that's why i'm planning on heading out on the 15th as early as possible. HEH. the windows in both of the rooms seem abnormally high... they resemble those prison cells that really rowdy inmates get put in to calm down. :shudders: anywho... 12 days till i move out!! exciiiiited? YES!!
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And the rant continues...
Me and Andrey debated over the death penalty once in philosophy class. He didn't believe that anyone has the right to discern whether another person's life is worth ending. To this and other concepts, him and I concurred. But... I think deep down, although I cannot rationalize it completely, I *do* think that pedophiles and such deserve a cheap bullet to the head. I think I'll call it Societal Cleansing.
I was listening to Adam Carolla on Loveline a few nights ago, and he said something (among other things) that I agreed to. People who rob banks, steal shit... they do it for a reason, correct? They want money... that makes sense, no? Now, I'm not saying that's right or wrong, I'm just stating the case here. People who get their jollies off of having sex with children, photographing nude kids, etc. deserve to be shot and killed swiftly like Uday and Qusay. Dr. Drew pointed out that people who do those sorts of things often come from a background of abuse as well, but hey... you've gotta stop that shit somewhere, don't ya? I have such an urge to blame everything on society... on people!... for letting things like this happen. It's just not fair.
I'm so angry that kids get molested and abused and raped and exploited... and it doesn't have to be for YEARS. it could be once. and often it IS for years. and all of that shit just CHANGES their lives forever. they're a different person than they would have been. although it's something a person can overcome... it still shouldn't have happened in the first place. how can you legitimize something as fucked up as that? you can't. and i'm so FUCKING pissed off that it happens to so many young people. it's sickening.
I wonder to myself many many many times, what kind of person would I have been if I never went through the abuse those years when i was a kid. I wonder how I would be if I never met my ex-boyfriend and stayed with him through high school. If I wasn't made to be so naive, vulnerable, and open to his abuse, then I wouldn't have had the relief of being able to break free from it. I suppose it wouldn't make me the same person now, and I wouldn't know and have the same experiences as I do now. Perhaps I wouldn't have the same happinesses and value for my life that I do at the present. I don't think I'd erase my past, if I could. Still, it almost seems as if I'm angrier than I used to be. I know that through my years in high school, I'd bury myself in work and stress with school to hide the fact that I was just sad and depressed. I always pointed the blame towards myself, for whatever feelings I had. But now, I seem to blame my past for everything going wrong and that has gone wrong. I had before tried to just forget. It took me a long time to realize that experiences molded me... they're just not things one can forget. I'm at a loss at what to do. This fucking emotional rollercoaster of being happy and sad and excited and disappointed. I'm mad at the way that things are, that I feel like I have no one to confide in, and when I do... they're just so far from me. And I know that other people have hard lives... that I'm fortunate for the life I've lived. But I'd rather not play the my-dick-is-bigger-than-yours game. I want some peace. There's nothing going on around me, but way too fucking much inside my head. I'm holding on by just a thread, but I need a hand to pull me up... just silence this.
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Thursday, July 31st, 2003
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Andrey and I have a one-year anniversary in September, as well as both of our birthdays. He's taking the anniversary very seriously... wants to go all out with it. As part of the celebration, he's been planning on getting me a big gift... and I'm not supposed to know what it is. Well, he's all into surprises and he's been reeeeally excited about this gift. Me, on the other hand... wellllllll.... today, I somehow in my evil ways got him to tell me what he got me. OKAY, I confess! I talked him to death so much that I wore his poor heart down... I said that I hoped he wasn't giving me jewelry cuz I didn't want him spending too much money on just a gift. After me blabbing on endlessly, he finally confessed sadly that he wanted to get me a ring. A RING, people! With his taste, it'd be a nice one! awh man... I felt so terrible. That's a great gift! Although I wouldn't want him bothering to spend so much money on me, it was just so sweet... And then he felt terrible for ruining the surprise! And that he has ruined a great idea for a gift! oh man... I feel horrible for doing that to him. And then he confessed what he was getting me for my b-day cause he said it wasn't that great. Apparently IT'S THE BEST GIFT EVER!! As I am making a very pitiful and blatantly futile attempt to hide my excitement, he feels even worse for spoiling the surprise of a gift that was pretty great after all. oh man... what'll Karen do next? Put him in the hospital on his b-day?! At least he's a clever lil smarty pants. He called me back a short while after saying he knew what to get me instead. happy ending... good stuff.
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This morning, my mom told me that she read an article about how the RIAA is giving out subpoenas to individual users of p2p software yada yada yada... "It said that parents need to warn their kids that if they're downloading mp3's, they might as well download themselves a list of good attorneys as well." Of course, I went on a lengthy tirade of how stupid the RIAA is, how people have always and will always be able to find new ways to exchange mp3's, and a whole other random things I stuck in there to help me further elaborate how lame the RIAA is. In sum my message for the RIAA was, "Die."
Yesterday morning, I woke up and checked if I had any messages on my cell fone. Usually, Andrey leaves me a text message... pretty sweet. Surely enough, there was a text msg from Andrey... but also a msg saying I had a voicemail msg as well. "First message, Wednesday 5:34 A.M. (??? WTF)..." Ignoring how abnormally EARLY that seems, I listen on. Apparently, it's some really CREEPY message that made me nearly drop my cell fone. Yes, for about 10 seconds, it sounded as if some guy was playing with himself quite vigorously. It was quite nasty... and I did hear my name said as well as something quite perverted. I let Andrey listen to it, and he confirmed to me what the nasty guy said. After asking around a bit, I have just one suspect for this gross crime. Keeping past regressions in mind and this SICK SICK shit, I have one wish for the perv-- "I hope you die, Chris, you flaming loser."
To my surprise, Andrey was more calm about this whole thing than I was. He's sort of a hot-tempered kind of guy, but I think I've noticed a slight change in him. He seems more laid back... when his parents bitch at him, he seems to just ignore it and let it go than try to argue back. I like this... I think he's just realized that there's just no time to waste being disappointed with aspects of his life. I know me and him sometimes have conversations about the big house and the fancy cars in our future, but having the good friends and having each other is already pretty damn good, wouldn't you agree? And I know I shouldn't have any regrets, and all I can do is make it up with the present. So I'll say this: I need to tell him that I love him so much more often than I do already. I know he knows it... and I don't have a problem saying it... it just doesn't seem like I do it enough.
Andrey's best friend, Josh, proposed to his gf on Josh's b-day. That's so cute. Although they don't know when they'll actually get married... I still wanna come. What am I saying? I'm sooooo going, anyway... Andrey wouldn't let me miss this, hah. Geez... talking about Andrey actually makes me feel more cheerful. Before I go off and giggle to myself like a little girl, I must point out... I never really enjoyed talking about my ex-bf when I was still with him. So this is totally cool to me. That jerk stressed me out to pieces! *think andrey think andrey* Oke, I feel better now. YAY!
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Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
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2 weeks and 2 days left until i move out. the suspense is torture.
it's one thing to think the day will never come... and when it's just two weeks left, it now feels like i don't have enough time to get ready. but above all feelings of anxiety, worry, fretting... when i've settled down, it's all really a great thing. i'm finally leaving this place...
i bid thee adieu... and the next time i come back, there better be a goddamn turkey on the table!
``I'm not heaven sent
But I'm broken and bent``
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[001] Choose a new name for yourself.
oh man... my name would be Gambit. no last name... the great ones go by one name. you know, except for Elmo...
[002] If your life was a dream come true, what would it be like?
did you write this question under the influence of Vick's? oh anywho... i guess there would be a lot of puppies everywhere that didn't make messes for me to step on. i'd ride around in a magical floating go-cart... and hop off to take a stroll in clean parks made out of candy. :drool: glllarghhl...
[003] Dissolve or self-combust?
exactly how slowly will i dissolve, and how long would i be self-combusting before i ultimately POP for good? well if it was quick-like, i would totally want to self-combust. yeahH!! that's what i like to call going with a BANG.
[004] You have the power to save the world, but you must die if you do. Would you do it?
the world is going to hell these days, anyway... and all the while, i'm still able to enjoy life. so, no... i will not DIE to "save" this world. maybe if it was Uranus... cuz you know, everyone loves Uranus!!!
[005] Why should I believe you?
cuz i'm Gambit... a crackhead with a bat who has the power to save the world!! but will not, cuz i'd rather use my power to make you believe whatever i say. now kick yourself@!! mwahah! stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself!
/end insanity
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Saturday, July 26th, 2003
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those network commercials really get under my skin sometimes. especially when they advertise a show that won't be aired until a month from when then... geez! and ESPECIALLY when it's during a show that i am oh-so diligently watching (*cough* Paradise Hotel *cough*). the commercials i'm talking about are the one for that show "The OC" on Fox. i have firm belief that the show won't last to the second season, because one: that is certainly not "how it goes down in orange county" and two: the star of the show is SO not attractive. where do they get these guys from?? he looks like... bill gates' son or something. GET OFF OF MY TELE YOU GEEK! anywho...
went shopping today [: good stuff... although i didn't buy any clothes, which i really wanted to, i didn't find any clothes that i wanted. i'm not a big fan of summer fashion. too many colors... bleh. i'm anticipating Fall and Winter, personally. yay! i DID get a new pair of snazzy shoes. hm... looking at them, they don't look like charles david ones... more like glory chen or something. EH, anyway... and i got face moisturizer and uhh... two eyeshadows and a waterproof eyeliner. i love MAC... ahhh, no gunking! yes, i do believe i enjoy santa ana only for the suncoast plaza. everything else is pretty blah... it's like where'd the buildings go?!!?
i'm ungry... so very ungry
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Thursday, July 24th, 2003
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you know, peeing is good relief. damn good stuff, it is. i started not too long ago a once dead drink-a-lot-of-water regimen. yessir... luckily for me, this tiny lil apartment makes the pottie quite conveniently close by. hooray.
i very recently compiled myself a 17-track list of sad sad songs, which i, when i am not too lazy, will burn onto a cd. poopy for me, all my blank cd's are still packed away somewhere... deep. why did i put this together? and might i add, with such forethought and careful scrutiny? i dunno... i guess so when i have one of those days... you know, the days when life's weather is 'overcast with likely chance of shitstorm.' when you miss having friends around, having a bf around, and tired of being with yourself all the time. yeah, luckily, when i feel as shitty as all that, i'll have a readily sequenced arrangement of shoot-me-now songs to pacify me. GREAT IDEA, HUH? imma make a ton of money someday...
so bored... bored bored... i didn't realize how much my mom kept me company until she couldn't go to many places anymore. well, like the mall and the grocery store...which is where all i've gone to this summer. i guess she can, but not for too long cuz she gets exhausted quickly. my mom had surgery last week... ever since, my dad's been pissing me off even more than usual. all his damn worrying, and nagging towards my mom... "are you tired? are you? huh? i can't hear you? did you say you're tired? why?? i said, why are you tired??" for crying out fucking sakes, don't make me go lizzie borden on yew! so my mom's been less active... but she'll recover soon, i hope... be in tip-top shape again. i sure hope so... if i lost my mom, i'd fucking go crazy with just my dad.
by the way... never come to santa ana/westminster/garden grove unless you like being bored... or you want some vietnamese sandwiches. the latter, i can deal with... but other than that, this place is an asian hell. my dad must be the president of asian hell cuz he likes it here. please now refer to Adam Sandler - "Somebody Kill Me".
i had planned on moving into my new house next to campus August 1st (next friday), but the Shady Lady (the name dubbed for our landlady) tells us she needs to order a custom shower... some crazy shit like that. so i'm moving in on the 15th now... pretty disappointing since i anticipated moving in the 1st ever since i was told so. and what makes me pissed off is that the landlady is finishing up one room so that two of my roommates can move in early... cuz of their special fucking situation (my ass). yes... resentment runs deep in these veins for the Shady Lady.
and i hate watching the news! not only is it so... boring and lame, but i tire easily of being told what they will report at the end of the program or in the next one! 3 hours later tonight! or when they interrupt my regularly scheduled program to watch a car speed on the highway for 50 minutes. you're excitement bores me, jim brown, or whoever you are! bleH!
/quit rant
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two more weeks?!?! are you fucking kidding ME?!
i just found out that instead of moving into my house on
August 1st, the house won't be 'move-in-able' until the
15th. THIS IS TOTAL COFKAH! although i MIGHT not have
a legitimate and immediate cause to move in early, i
do think my eventual heightening of homicidal tendencies
COUNTS, gamdoggit! ohhhhhhhh fuck everything... shit just
sucks. man... GRRRAAAAHHH!!
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Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
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the semester is almost over.
so sad... i like school. classes suck big hairy balls but i enjoy the company of my friends here.
too much change going on, hoping things will all work out without too much blood and sweat.
and andrey leaves...
and friends go home...
and karen becomes that girl again
if you're reading this, Noah, i'm sorry for things. just things.
"No more promise no more sorrow
No longer will I follow
Can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will" -sp
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
phizz's journal
cheerful.
stressed.
blah.
irritated.
confused.
calm.
enraged.
anxious.
disappointed.
guilty.
hungry.
groggy.